Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Movie Theater Etiquette

BEWARE: ranting, raving and colorful language lie ahead...

This week Danny and I attended the movie theater to see Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.  We went on a Monday night, and I was hoping that would be a suitable night for the ass-holes to stay at home...apparently they work on Monday's too. 
First before I get into it, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark was....ok.  The writing was not too great but the effects and designs were quite amazing.  I might have, actually I know I WOULD have enjoyed my experience with this film better if it weren't for the family sitting behind us.  So that this will be broken down easier and not seem like a continuous rant, I’ll be forming this into 5 rules…and well, you guys know I love a list. XD

5.) Don’t bring your child to a rated R movie:  I don’t give a flying rat’s-ass if you think your child can handle a rated R film.  Let them watch it at home, don’t bring them to the theatre where there are adults who don’t want to hear them freak out at the tiniest thing. 
This family behind us brought their two children who couldn’t have older than 8 and 12.  As soon as I saw them and where they were sitting I gave that all knowing look to Danny.  He said, “Be prepared to get the back of your seat kicked.”  So I waited to see if they were going to and sure enough they started…I moved to a different seat since the theater was relatively empty.

4.) While I’m on it…Teach your child to be respectful of other people’s seats:  “Hey, shit head…I didn’t pay good money to have you knock against my seat with your crocks for two fucking hours.”

3.) Don't be on your cell phone:  This wasn't the case during this particular outing, but it's happened WAY too many times.  Unless you're a doctor on call, or waiting you're for a heart transplant shut the damn thing down.  Don't answer it while still in the theater...get off your lazy ass and take it out in the hallway.  Don't text either, Christ, you're not that important...that Get Glue check in can wait too dip-wad.  If you're that bored by the movie please do us all a favor and LEAVE.

2.) Don’t talk during the movie:  Shut the fuck up, seriously.  Once the trailers for up-coming films are over, strap in, eat your buttered popcorn and shut your pie hole.  The same family, mainly the mother, decided that two hours was really pushing it for her to be quite.  And it wasn’t just hushed tones either, you would have thought she was giving her order in the drive-through at Starbucks.
Once I realized that the talking was continuing past the trailers, for no good reason, I said loudly, “Why are people still talking???”  That didn’t do anything, so I gave the ever popular, “SHHHH!!!!”…that helped for ummmm I don’t know maybe 2 mins!!! >:(  I somehow kept my cool the whole movie while the talking continued on and on….Seriously, WHAT WERE THEY NEEDING TO TALK ABOUT!!!!????  Since I know Danny didn't want to end up paying court charges and going through life with a wife in jail, I didn't create my own horror show right there in the theater.

1.) Be a decent human being and have some respect: That's right you're getting the full-fledged Italian style rant today kiddies and now I'm begging you to show some respect...not just to me, but all the other people who coughed up the dough to see a movie...in peace.  It's not that hard to sit still, be quite, and pay attention to ONE THING for a couple of hours.  If you find yourself having a problem with this then let me introduce you to something called your house...you can have movies delivered to you there, away...far far away from other people that you may disturb.  If you can't accept that then I'm going to have to introduce you to my fist applying immense pressure to your face.

While I’m at it and it the spirit:
                *When someone’s merging and you’re in the lane they are merging into…get OVER to the other lane ya dolt!!!
                *When a lady is picking up several lunches for her co-workers at McDonalds…she doesn’t want to be hit on while filling the drink orders…PISS OFF!!!!
                *Tip your waitress or waiter if they serve well, I don’t care if you don’t think you should have to.  They work hard, get paid shit, and THEY’RE HANDLING YOUR FOOD!!!!  Take it from me; I was a waitress for 4 years and I know very well what happens when you piss off your server…be nice and tip them well or stay at home and eat if you can’t afford the tip

That is all.
This colorful rant was brought to you by:


Becky said...

Here's what I hate----the glare of a cell phone distracting me from the movie-I just paid like $100 for 2 tickets and a diet coke, text at home...
The "predicter"-the person you're seeing a movie with whether it's a friend, spouse, stranger or in my case, your MOTHER who goes "oh...x,y & z are about to happen." When it DOES happen you wonder, "why does my loved one HATE me and they just spoiled the plot?"
The "that person was in...." person. The person who HAS to point out what they saw the actress/actor/set piece/farm animal on screen in before the movie you're watching.
The "candy wrapper people" who don't know it's possible to wrestle their m&m's open during the 20 minutes of crap before the trailers, and insist on doing it loudly during the plot twists.
The "elephant walkers" who come in 10 minutes late and sound like a pack of wild elephants galloping up the stairs loudly so as to distract you.

not that I have ANY feelings on the subject of movie distractions........

Matt Seckman said...

Hehehe...boy, you had a lot to get out didn't you. Remind me to 1.) never ask you a question during a movie or 2.) check into getglue. ^_^

Christopher John (@Christopher2814) said...

My wife and I used to go to the movies every weekend until I couldn't take it anymore. Thankfully we've found a theater that hasn't given us problems (we'll see how long that lasts) so I'm more likely to go now.

But I still remember going to see Cabin Fever (don't judge me...lol) and before the flick started two parents walked in with 4 kids all under the age of 12. WTF?!?!

God I love DVD. And my living room. Sigh........

Anthony C. said...

Great blog

Angelica said...

Well, I can say that I indeed HAVE taught you something...you got the curse words down to a science...so that Italian thing DID rub off on you, you go!!!!!!

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